Finding healing in unexpected places – Rudy’s story
If you asked somesome who knows me about me, they’d say a lot, but I think some of what they’d mention would be that I’m funny, friendly, positive, a people’s person. And I would agree with them. There’s a lot more to me than the above, good and bad, neutral too, but the above is what you’d get to know first.
Like everyone else, I’ve been through my fair share and I’ve felt a lot of emotions in my lifetime. I’m going to share a bit about the past 13 months of my life.
Our journey starts on 18 July 2024, on a Thursday morning. At the time I was staying at a homeless shelter in the South of Johannesburg. On this day I was lured to a false business meeting regarding an event in Soweto, where I was held hostage by 5/6 men. My hands and feet were tied up, I was blindfolded and my hoody thrown over my head as I sat crotched on the floor for over 4 hours. When I was eventually let go with R25 from my wallet. Without my phone, where everything I was working on was stored on… my contacts, proposals, drafts, pictures (I’m a freelance artist/actor), I got a ride with a taxi to the SAPS, but before the driver took off after telling him my story, he wanted to know if I had money for the taxi ride. One of the lady passengers in the taxi pleaded that I was just held hostage and robbed, would the driver honestly want to ask for money.
Anyway, at the police station I told an officer why I was there and I was told to have a seat, where I sat-and sat-and sat. No statement was taken, not even my name was written down. I found my way back the following morning at around 5am, with no help or assistance from the police offered, in fact they said they can’t help with transport because Booysens was too far from Soweto and neither the Station Commander nor the other staff had any money to help with taxi fare. I reported the incident to IPID, no response as yet. I’ll keep waiting, I guess… I was told “they’re backlogged, they’ll get to you”…
Exactly two weeks later on a Thursday, I got mugged of my replacement phone right outside the shelter. I got over the first incident quickly, brushed it off as one of those things in life. The second incident effected me in ways I never thought I would allow any outside force to effect me.
Felt like I had lost complete control over my emotions and thoughts. I lost all hope I had left in me. I lost my faith in humanity. It was hard to even imagine myself getting out of my situation.
At the time, no one who knows me knew I was staying at a shelter and mind you, my time was running out at the shelter. I had to leave on 31 August 2024.
With no phone, no tool to come up with a plan and trust smaller than the size of a mustard seed in people. I was expectant of harm at all times, always staying ready. I began avoiding being outside if I didn’t have to be. I needed to find a job or something, I needed to find accommodation, but with no phone, it meant going out into this jungle of heartless beast like beings roaming the face of the earth and I was not ready.
Eventually my time ran out and 3 days to my due date I let a friend know about my situation and he took me in to live with him.
This was a massive save, but it came with feelings of guilt, shame, hopelessness. I felt useless, doubting every decision I ever made. Though my friend never said or did anything about my being there with him, at times I felt like trying to survive on the street by myself would be better than bearing the baggage of emotions about being dependant on someone else and not being able to contribute to the household, a total burden. No amount of house or yard work I did made me feel better.
Job searching, referalls, applications, drafting proposals, auditions, walking distances I never imagined I could, looking for something and just nothing happens.
At times I did not trust myself. My judgment, my thought process… “What am I doing wrong, what am I not doing?” I’d ask myself. It felt like I didn’t know right from wrong anymore, all I decided to do felt wrong. I had absolutely no positivity left in me. I didn’t know how to begin to be positive. Thinking back, I could not believe that I once was a positive person, someone I feared I could never be again. Felt like I was just an empty heavy shell.
Internal battles day and night. I recognised the person in the mirror, but did not know who was inside. There was a total disconnect, there was someone I felt was dragging me down and I had no way of escaping. I could not tell what my favorite colour, or animal was. Couldn’t tell my favorite food, or day of the week. I found it hard articulating myself, I didn’t want to be left to make decisions. I didn’t want to be asked to get anything from the shops based on my own prerogative, but I couldn’t tell anyone, I just challenged myself to go and get done what needed to get done.
Every avenue I tried would lead to a dead end. I’m a loner by nature, but I became withdrawn to a next level. It was frightening at times. I dragged myself out of the house to break the isolation. I’d leave home with no destination in mind, kind of “let’s see where we end up”, yes,
I do speak to self, and laugh, and reason, and motivate, and hug, and argue, thank goodness it hasn’t gone physical yet… Don’t even want to imagine… And I hate loosing…
Wherever I’d walk, I’d be looking for opportunities, something to do, something I’ve not noticed before, “since we are walking, there must be something out there, let’s see if we could find it”, I’d say to self. Ask for work where I think possible. I often would go to Albert’s Farm, where I could be alone and feel safe and meditate.
On a day in March of 2025
on my way back home from Albert’s Farm, I walked past what I thought was a school. As I passed what I thought was the entrance to the school office, I saw a notice on the door. Curious about what kind of notice would be placed on the door of an office to a school, I squinted my poor poor eyes and read “free sewing classes…” I’ve been wanting to learn, but never had an opportunity to and I had then just walked into it.
As a little lgbtqia+ child, I secretly designed clothes for my cousin’s dolls with pantyhose given to me by my grandmother, whom was the only one in support of who I am in my household. I would often be caught playing with “girly” toys, doing “girly” things. I would often get beaten up, cussed out, mocked and-and-and… and so by the advise of an older cousin, to stay away from “girly” things until I’m grown enough to move out and no longer needed the care of my family, this way I may still be alive to become my truself with less emotional damage… I stayed away.
In 2020/2021 I started getting flashbacks about the “girly” things I used to love doing as a child, this also led to my discovering that I’m not gay, but genderfluid. I decided to fulfil all my childhood dreams/desires that are still relavant to me, among other things was being able to create and design my own clothing. Another one of my childhood desires was to enter beauty pageants, so I did, mind you, I won the first pageant I entered, 3 weeks after my 40th birthday in 2023. This just sparked the desire to create even more. I felt so much envy towards those like myself who are able to create their own gowns and outfits and I wished I knew how. I wished I could at least learn the basics, just to get me started. And now finally I had an opportunity to learn.
I contacted the number provided on the notice, I also let them know that I am an lgbtqia+ “man”, just to avoid any awkwardness from either side, just a protective mechanism I’ve learned to get by with. I also went as far as creating room for dissapointment, classes not happening, me not being contacted with further information etc. I’ve learned not to get too excited, recovery ain’t pleasant.
I was a better version of myself the moment I started attending classes. I started identifying and relating with the person inside. Attending sewing classes helped me get reintegrated with society after months of isolation, though I had a housemate. I started seeing the good in people again. I started loosening up and trusting again. I suddenly had a valid reason to get up, get done and get out. I had somewhere to go to and spend my days. While there I got to learn a skill, interact with other community members and not only that… The satisfaction of giving my inner child the satisfaction of finally learning a skill we had to forget about for the sake of survival.
I became excited about life again, I started realizing the possibility of possibilities again. For the first time in a long while I could get myself to do one of my favorite things to do, sing. No, you don’t want me to sign for you, it’s best for both of us, but I absolutely love singing. For months I could not get myself to sing, it’s always been a healing tool for me, but I just fell too deep this time around. I remember one of the other attendees asking if I’m a singer, they were surprised as according to them, I know every song played on the radio. I could not shut up… The other thing I didn’t tell you is that I’m also a chatter box. Listen, it was months of silence broken with a bang.
I regained confidence again. Ready to learn, ready to be challenged and because of the possibility of possibilities, I keep looking forward to what’s next to learn, what else is to come, who knows where it would take me…?
During my first month I was presented with an opportunity to write and be part of the cast for a play regarding up-cycling, for a primary school. It was amazing getting to practice something I love doing after a long while. Hope was restored once again. It was also an opportunity to earn money.
During my second month it gave me immense joy when I was thought to have progressed well enough in my learning to start delivering products on orders. So much pride knowing that someone is going to make use of a product created by my hands. What I’m creating will become something useful to someone out there. It may just become someone’s favorite item of its sort. And so I’ve learned to deliver with that same energy and in return it gives me joy and satisfaction, a sense of pride and purpose. I feel part of an organization, a little family. A rainbow family, where I’m inspired to be myself. There’s a sense of belonging, deadlines to reach, reason to get up and push. And once again I could earn some money. I’m able to revisit goals and set new ones. For the first time in a long time do I look forward to life.
Finally I was able to contribute to the house. Eating food paid for by yourself, priceless! The pride of punching in an electricity voucher code to the box, purchased by yourself, there’s no way to explain that to someone who’s not been there yet. The joy of being able to keep the gas going and the pots sizzling, don’t ever take that for granted. The relief of giving the other person a break from feeding you and being able to give back is unmeasurable, a gift.
Life was injected into me by this opportunity. I’m doing amazingly well mentally, I’m happy again. I feel part of society again. I’m ready take on challenges again and conquer.
My creativity has exploded, I have to keep reminding myself that I’ve only just started and not at all ready to start working on my first avant-garde evening gown yet, though I feel ready… I’m ready to fulfil my purpose, my desires, my dreams and the dreams to come. I’m at a space that felt out of my reach just a few months ago.
Thanks to the opportunities given to me by UpCycle I was able to move out on my own for the first time in 11 years, very humble, but proud and exciting new beginnings.
I’m grateful for a little poster that got my attention and people behind it who’s passionate and serious about making a change in the lives of others. Sometimes in ways they don’t even intend to and or imagine.
I’m looking forward to whatever is in store for me at UpCycle and everything I’m yet to learn.
Thank you for giving me me back.